- Thought I was our neighbour.
- Thought I was a friend and had kidnapped our baby.
- Thought I was a man and had imagined having a baby.
- Thought I was a person with multiple personalities who was stuck on 'Claire Griffiths' and wouldn't move on from that 'fantasy'.
- Thought I was in coma and could only communicate with my eyes.
- Thought I was in a strange sort of game where I had to pass levels to give birth.
- Thought my baby would die soon.
- Thought a neighbour had killed my partner and baby and hit me on the head with something heavy but I survived.
- Thought my partner was poisoning me in my food.
- Thought my partner was giving me my medicine wrong on purpose.
- Thought my partner was trying to kill me and my baby.
Thursday, 13 July 2017
Monday, 10 July 2017
It's taken me more than two weeks to write this blog post, editing and re-editing, how much to share? What to say? Is it too much? Is anyone even interested? I was reminded yesterday after reading an inspiring PP blog that the reason I'm passionate about writing these blog posts of my own story is to raise awareness of Postpartum Psychosis, because if nobody is talking about it then how are you or other people supposed to realise that something out of the ordinary is happening to you? who can flag up those warning symptoms in order to keep you safe? It is an illness that very quickly spirals out of control, the longer it is left the more psychotic, distressed and dangerous you can become, which in turn can effect both your own and your friends and families health.
So here goes:
My gorgeously perfect daughter was born at 2am on valentines day 2016, I suffered a seriously sleep deprived build up to the labour due to immense pain in my hips at night, I had not slept more than a couple of hours in 10-20 days and was already completely exhausted with nothing left to give.
Unfortunately we had to stay in the hospital a few extra nights because I was having intravenous antibiotics due to the high-temperature and suspected infection. Both of my hands had cannulas and I had a catheter, which I found incredibly restrictive and invasive, because of this I just couldn't hold my baby properly or comfortably and breast feeding became just impossible! I was obsessed with pumping or hand expressing for her, it felt like it was the only thing I could do to help as she was loosing weight and my quest to breastfeed just didn't seem possible, every time I tried it was just so difficult.
I would also find time at night to obsessively write my delusional ideas down, I remember knowing that 'things got darker at night' and dreading the build up to bedtime. I was writing scribbled notes all over my birth plan papers and anything else I could find so that I would not forget the things that I thought were happening and so I could tell the midwives the next day, this writing became habitual and something that I believe may have helped me in recovery.